101 ways to annoy Snape
by dont.kill.me.please
Summary: didn't write, but it's really funny


Learn a charm that gives it's unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail

Learn a charm that gives it's unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail. For a week. Put it to good use. "Snape thinking: If I ever catch the student who did that, he'll eat rabbit brain for the rest of his time at Hogwarts! Or maybe,(sly voice) I'll transfigure him into a rabbit, put him in a cage and sell him to a petshop. Of course I'll have to purchase him back and... then again, maybe not!"

Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and has he seen it? "Snape outloud: Sorry, I do not sympathize with werewolf lovers! Move along and stop wasting my time!"

Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes.  "Snape: Unless I got so drunk last night, and hence accepted Sybill Trelawey's incessant wedding proposals, this flower-girl will soon realize how beautiful flowers can look on a tomb. Her tomb!"

Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'  "Snape out loud: What? Not again!"

Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.  "Snape thinking: Dumbledore, old man, you've gone and done it! How am I to get any respect around here?"

Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glow pink. You know what to do next. "Snape out loud: Whomever dunderheads thought this was funny will pay with their lives! And I mean every reincarnation as well!

Get an owl. Name it after him. "Snape thinking: I heard my name, but she's definitely talking to that owl of hers! That's strange. I must be exhausted.

Go 'Da-da-da-dum!' in a deep voice anytime he passes by or enters a room. The first time, Snape eyes the student very suspiciously before resuming his way. The third time, Snape definitely knows he's the target. Therefore, he points a menacingly finger at you and shouts: "You better keep your mouth shut next time I pass by you 'cause I swear that stupid sound you've been making will be the last you hear ever!"

Shout '10 points from Professor Snape!' at random moments. "Snape to you: 50 points from your House!" Snape thinking and insulted: How dare they use my vindictive techniques!!"

Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff. "That morning in the Forbidden Forest, a sweet melody to Aragog's ears could be heard: "Ahaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!"

Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart. "Snape thinking while of course breaking whatever he was holding due to repressed anger: "If I ever can get my hands on Lupin just once more time, I'll put him in a closet with his dam&? boggart and wait until he looses consciousness. Oh yeah!!"  12. Make a voodoo doll of Harry Potter. Push pins into it in class and smile knowingly at Snape.  "Snape: Confiscated!" Later that day: "Here's to you for all those bad night's sleep you gave me, Potter. How many times have I had to prowl the corridors to make sure you didn't end up in a million piece? Do you know that? And this is for your father who kept doing the same kind of pranks I seem to be the victim of these days!" (Note: due to the unprecedent violence done to the Voodoo doll, the horrible toy-crime of Snape have been censured)

Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason. "Snape outloud:I think you could use a visit to Mme Pomphrey. I was told she had a very **painful **yet effectiveremedy for people affected with dysphasia! (loss of or deficiency in the power to use or understand language as a result of injury to or disease of the brain)" 

 14. Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (Ie. Poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according to which Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice. ) "Snape almost barking: Detention! With Filch! All week!" Then, in a sly voice:"You see, that's what happens when Bad-Snape wins! A shame Good-Snape didn't have better arguments!" 

 15. Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo!' "Snape doesn't get it and takes you for a mental. Well, that was already the case, but that worsen his opinion of you! 

 16. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the Whomping Willow'  "Snape to himself: There's no way I'm ever attending a party with a dog and a werewolf in a stinking hole underground! Well, I don't know why I'm making excuses. I never attend party, period.  

17. Squeak softly everytime he says your name during roll-call. "Snape to you: I have just developed a very efficient way to cure voice extinction. Unfortunately, I hadn't had a single guinea pig to try it on yet. Maybe you would like volunteer. For the progress of magic of course!"  

18. Get Hermione to teach you a spell revealing the undergarments of it's subject. Use it at every available opportunity. "Snape thinking: This is not happening, this is not happening. I can't believe this is happening!"  

19. Look terrified and leave the hall ANYTIME he picks up his spoon at mealtimes.  "Snape to himself: She leaves each time I pick up my spoon. I think this girl is getting too focused on me. Just to annoy me or something. But I won't give in. I don't want to show her how it unnerves me. That's all she wants but I won't give her that pleasure.

20. 'Need a brush over there Professor?' "Snape thinking really hard: Is this a prank or not? Better not take chances, ignore the comment and use my legendary "run before I bottle you" eyes" Then I'll be alone to check if anything's the matter with my hair..  

 21. Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly. "Snape to himself: I smell something fishy here... Oh really, Severus, I think you're getting paranoiac!"  

22. Leave copies of Lockhart's biography all around the place. "Snape: I can't believe this clown is still so popular around here! It just proves my point: they all are dunderheads!" 

 23. Introduce him with the words "Here is a man who not only has a brilliant mind and a wonderful wit, but can also sing.' "Snape: I don't think I came in at the best of times. Surely they were waiting for someone else judging from their faces."

24. Transfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it outside his door. Run like hell. "Snape: What!!" Outloud and striding in the corridors to catch the prankster: "If I ever catch you, believe me, it's your head that's going to be stuck in that box for the rest of the year! And I'm not talking about a fake one!"

25. Charm his hair into dreadlocks. "Snape thinking: Why are people looking at me? And laughing...? " Taking a hand to his head: "No, it can't be! Not like Lockhart's , anything but not like this twit!"

26. Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run. "Discouraged Snape: Why me? Why people feel the need to shower me all the time? My hair are naturally greasy, that's all!  

 27. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Potter kid' "Snape thinking: Oh, no, another groupie! Can't they see Potter is bound to act like he does because of all this attention he's getting!? I'm sure I'll never see something as stupid as these on their notes ever!"  

 28. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid' "Snape: "I shouldn't have said that!"

  29. Offer him tequila. "Snape outloud: Tequila? Isn't that one of those Muggle drinks? -Yes! -Well then I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate it. " Inner-thoughts: And have a good go at it because these days, and I don't know why, but I have been the victim of so much horrible pranks!"  

30. Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him. "Snape out loud: For your sake I do hope it has nothing to do with me! Or else I would remove it myself with very painful methods indeed!" 

 31. Eat chocolate cake in class. Offer to let him lick the plate clean. "Snape out loud: Maybe this kind of behaviour towards sweets is allowed in Dumbledore's office, but believe me in my classroom, nothing as remote as this has ever been accepted. 10 points from your House. And run to the kitchens to hand in your plate before I use the crumbs, mix them to your potion and test it on you afterwards!"  

32. Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word. "Snape: Didn't I say so last class? Or am I getting flashbacks from nightmares? I just have this feeling of déjà vu. No, it's definitely not me, she keeps doing it." Out loud: "Miss, as glad I am that you finally decided to retain something useful from my classes, please refrain from quoting them word for word, it lowers my already low esteem of you because quoting, I believe, is for people who can't think for themselves!"  

 33. Transfigure his robes into a Molly-Weasleyesque woollen jumper with a large 'S' on it. "Snape: It's more than time that the Weasley twins graduate!"  

34. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays. "Incredulous Snape: Maybe I should warn Dumbledore about this. This student has certainly been taking some illicit concoctions during the summer. This looks everything like a friendship letter, yet it's addressed to me!" 

 35. Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-snape' "Snape: Oh no! Close your eyes, maybe the vision will disappear... No, it hasn't. It's really a student dressed like me. Oh no, he's referring himself as "mini-Snape". Will they ever leave me in peace!?" Out loud: "Alright, you've had your fun. Now let me have mine!"  

36. Ask him what his middle name is. "Snape in a cold impatient voice: It's Severus Mind-your-own-business-if-you-ever-want-to-graduate-alive-and-in-one-piece Snape. Is that clear enough for your little brain?"  

37. Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles' Snape in a grave ironic voice:"Ah, ah, ah! This is so hilarious! Bunch of babies! Alright, WHO did this? Minerva?"   

38. Make casual but loud references to Harry Potter being considered for an Order of Merlin. Snape breaks the sugar quills he was holding and nervously lets it crumble to the floor with a look that speaks miles.   

39. Talk back in class. With a bad Scottish accent. Snape unimpressed and out loud: "Indeed! Maybe you should check at the infirmary if Mme Pomphrey has a cure for dialectal disorders. If she can't find it, remind her to look under the letter D. For "Dumb".

  40. If you're a sneaky Slytherin, slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the tune of '_I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts_' Snape to himself: That's it! I promised Dumblendore not to kill myself but that's surely excluded THAT!" -Later that day with Dumbledore: "I'm sorry Severus, but your promise also included such occasions as this. Why else would I have had you promise me? Don't worry! I'll fix this for you!" (_Lady Claudia: I have just listened to the song for the first time ever! Amanda! That is so low!! I can't believe you thought of something so abominable for our poor Snape! That's got to be the worse of the lot!_ If you don't know the song, here it is! 

 41. If you're a gutsy Gryffindor, draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep. "Snape thinking: Everybody is looking at me again. Just as when I had dreadlocks. Better find a mirror." Some minutes later, Hagrid from his hut heard this very weird sound: "Ahaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" 

 42. If you're a well-read Ravenclaw, bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states. Loudly. (ie: 'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!') "Snape after class: "As much as I enjoy serious students, this may be a little too much. Therefore, if you ever want to discuss whether what I say is correct or not, do so with me. Then again, that would surely prove a waist of time since I'm always right when it comes to potions! Dismissed!"  

 43. If you're a hard-working Hufflepuff, write long extra-curricular essays about the benefits of good, strong cleansing-potions "Snape to the Hufflepuff who of course understood the underlying meaning of good **cleansing** potions: "You know how much I like academic perfection. Your late extra-curricular essays have surprised me indeed. But in order to give you any points for it, I would need proofs of their effectiveness. Therefore, I'll be expecting you to show up tonight at 7 o'clock to start applying theory to reality. Fortunately for you, Longbottom has once again blown up his cauldron all over the classroom and it could really use the benefits of those strong **cleansing**-potions you've been referring to! You'll hand me your results on a 5 foot long essay, tomorrow morning. Have I left anything unsaid?

  44. If you're a feisty Faculty member, flick things at him during dinner at the High Table. "Snape thinking: Oh come on! Can't I have a bit of relaxing time once in a while!" Suddenly the culprit's plate _inexplicably_ found itself in his face! With a smile, Snape rises and passes nearby : "My, my! I thought at your age you would have stopped playing with your food! But I guess I was wrong, for once. You should get yourself clean, really. You look like a one year old baby after his meal!"  

45. When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his eyes and shout 'Lumos!' "Snape, who can't see a thing and who is still flabbergasted by the effect of the Lumos: "Out! Everybody out! And YOU! (Pointing in the wrong direction) Report yourself to Filch at 7 tonight for the worst punishment of your life!"   

46. Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class. "Snape out loud: Did you talk to me? - No, I was talking to my quill, Snappie! Snape frowns gravely and says: "Then if it ever answers you back, I believe you should think of consulting a psychiatrist or something. I won't tolerate more brain-damaged students in my class. I have enough on my hands already!"  

 47. Drop vague hints that McGonagall likes him a little more than strictly necessary. "Snape thinking: That can't be right! The old maid having a crush on me? I though she had it for Dumbledore! Hum... I'll have to be more careful"

  48. Drop vague hints that Filch likes him a little more than strictly necessary. "Snape in a disgusted tone: Argh! No way! I refuse to believe that! Oh, only the thought of... Shrug!! I better take a shower and wash thoroughly before I am heart-sick.

  49. Get your potion horribly wrong. Smile when he berates you and ask if that deserves a detention. "Snape out loud: So you think you can command me, is it? We'll see about that...  

50. Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT deserves a detention. "... Now you've done it! I can't believe you did that on purpose! Out with everyone! That doesn't deserve a detention, it deserves an expulsion!" Later that day: "Why can't Dumbledore believe me? Caused by an emotionally affected student he says. The student wanted my attention he says! Right, that student is more insanely affected than anything else! Why am I still teaching here? Oh yes, because nobody else will take me in... "   51. Grab some friends. Surround him. Sing the entire soundtrack to Moulin Rouge. "Snape out loud: Let me go! Who would be stupid enough to sing such follies?" Inwardly: To the Bat-cave, fast!" 

 52. Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job. "Snape grinds his teeth together very loudly"  

53. Leave anonymous notes on his desks. Have them say things like 'Remember that summer in 72, Severus dear?' or 'Meet me in the restricted section...and bring a friend!' "Snape thinking really really hard: Summer 72? 72? What did I do that summer? Eek! No, no, stay calm! You did use protection! This is only a frame!" (_Lady Claudia: Please dear Snape-fans, don't be obfuscated! This is only an hypothesis, ok!_) "Snape: Bring a friend? That's a problem... I wouldn't have one to being with. But what am I saying, I don't need anybody to defend myself! You perfectly know how to defend yourself when you've been the victim of the Marauders for 7 years "  

54. Refer to him as 'Cuddles' "Snape thinking: It's time for my appointment with my magical physician! I need to get my ears fixed! Or my brain! 

 55. Smile at him. All the time. "Snape: This is so unnerving! I can't believe this smile would have more effect than seeing Potter sit in my class for all those years! Why is she always smiling? Does she know something about me? Argh! I can't take it anymore!" 

 56. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape' "Snape: What's this? A newsletter? The Daily Snape!? What the !&?! Reading one random page: "Today our dearest Potions Master will be available for you all in the Dungeons from 6am to 7am. Then, he'll have a nice and copious breakfast in the Great Hall, and, at 7:50 exactly, he'll go down to prepare for his first potion class. So if you need to ask him anything, we advice you to do so before he departs because, afterwards, he's sure to be very vindictive since his lesson today start off with Double Potions with Slytherins and Gryffindors. Here's a more detailed schedule of his going-about during the day... " Crunching the newsletter hard in his hands, Snape was fuming! "If I catch the donkey who wrote that shi& , trust me, I'll publish a newsletter detailing every possible ways to use young human parts in potions!"  

57. Hum 'Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' during any moments of silence in class. "Snape: She's been humming that song for long enough. Out loud: "Miss, would you care to enlighten us on why you've been humming for the last hour? ... No response... Well, then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to sing the whole song aloud so that everyone can help me guess why you've been doing so! -She starts singing and when Snape realises it could be directly dedicated to him he says: "That will be enough, MIss. I don't want my students to turn deaf out of hearing you! Now, let's resume our lesson"  (Lady Claudia: for those you don't know this song, see the lyrics here.  

 58. Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day. "Snape: I won't say it, I won't say it, I won't say it!" After nagging him for long enough, Snape cracks up and spits it out: "Alright, I'll tell you! I saved his sorry butt because I care about the little fool! He may be a pretentious wonderboy, but that's no excuse not to save him, I have a conscience you know! Clear? Now stop bugging me!"   

59. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off. "Snape out loud: Detention! That will teach you to mind your own business!" Inwardly: "That's the first time I ever get complimented for telling a student off! Maybe there's hope for her after all" 

 60. Knock over your cauldron, spill it everywhere and shout 'Surf's up, Sir!' "Snape out loud: Detention's Up, Miss!" 

 61. Sneak into his chambers. Put Blast-Ended-Skrewts in his underwear drawer (click the link to know what that is). "Snape went to look into his drawer in the morning after hearing some very weird noise. Upon opening the drawer: "What the hell is that? It has stings, it's slimy, there's no head, it smells like rotten fish, and there are legs sprawling out of everywhere! My God! They burned everything in there! I wonder if I can make a good potion out of that... thing. Better not tell Hagrid about this, he'll want them back before I can make experiments! For once I don't mind the prank! Well, maybe I mind the underwear, but I can always transfigure myself some until I get to Diagon Alley"  

 62. Transfigure all his quills into giant purple peacock feathers. "When Snape enters the classroom and sees this he calmly says: "Well. Looks like Sybill Trelaway came over and left some _evidence_ of her passage! Miss Granger, would you kindly go up to the her office and bring her back those horrible things before I discover who really did this and try to shove them back up where they belong...on the culprit of course!"   

63. Go Christmas-caroling at his door. Do not leave or cease singing until dawn. Do this in July. "Snape half-asleep: Do I hear Christmas caroling or is it just a dream? No, I'm not dreaming, it's 5 o'clock and someone is Christmas caroling at my door! That's impossible, we're in the middle of July! Students have not come back yet... **Minerva!!**" 

 64. Ask him at the end of every Potions lesson if he knows a good love-potion. "Snape who has been ignoring your requests for the past five classes: "Very well... You've just won yourself the happy pleasure of writing me a 12 foot long essay on love-potions. You'll see how much I know about it when I grade it next class!"  

65. Charm his hair bright orange. "Snape looking in the mirror: Ahahhaaaaaaaaaa! Not again! Why do people always get at my hair? Once I had dreadlocks, another time they were pink and now this! Please, just leave my hair alone! Anybody ever thought about the effects of these pranks on my hair? Nooooo of course! Everyone just assumes my hair is greasy because I don't wash them..."   66. Ask him if he wants a massage. "Snape, during one of your detentions, looks like he could use a massage. So you propose it to him... Then, with his cold and stern look: "Keep your hands for the O-how horribly dirty cauldron left over there! Believe me, you'll be in need of every ounce of arm-power you can get!"  

67. Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and Shine Professor!' "Snape realising what you are doing: "What in Heavens' name are you doing here? Get out of here and be prompt for detention for the rest of the week! I'll make sure you'll get to bed so late at night you'll be too tired to think of anything as stupid as this in the morning!"  68. Find out the passwords to his office and private chambers. Cast a spell to change them to 'Fluffy White Kittens' and 'Flowers & Lollipops' "Snape trying to get in: What's the matter with these doors? The password isn't working. " Then, Snape being a great wizard, he is able to decipher a way to know the new password: "Fluffy White Kitten?! This has to be the worst password in the world! Even Dumbledore didn't think of that one for sure! I won't say it out loud. Two hours later: "Alright, alright, I'll say it. I have to get into my office one day!  Later that day, after a long potions class, Snape was going back to his quarters when : "What? Not again! Oh well, Fluffly White Kittens. " The door doesn't open. "Don't tell me they invented another sickeningly cute password for my quarters as well! Argh!!"   69. Drool in your potion. "Snape comes to you in a hurry, pushes you aside and shouts in an incredulous voice: "Are you insane? This potion is useless now! What's the matter with you? I knew teenage hormones could really tamper with someone's brain, but never to the level of drooling all over the place! God, give me patience!" W_ith this episode, you've really reach a new level of exasperation in Snape!_  70. When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout 'I won!' Snape spatting: "If this is one of your silly childish games, I don't even want to know about it! 10 points from your House for sheer.. density!  71. When he leans towards you in class, looming over you and generally looking menacing - reach up, tweak his nose, then twiddle your thumb between your index and forefinger and say 'Got your nose!' triumphantly. "Snape in an incredulous look shouts: Out, out, out!"  72. Learn a charm that makes people sprout interesting flowering plants from their hair. Use your imagination. "Snape: What's that smell? It smells like... sniff, sniff... poppies? Wait a minute. People are looking at me with that kind of look again... Snape moves his head down to smell his hands and then realises something's moving on his head. He reaches, understands, violently grabs the poppies out of his head when suddenly Dumbledore comes in: "Ah! Severus! Flowers? For Mme Pomphrey I guess! But I though her birthday was only in 2 weeks!" Snape feels cornered: "No... I mean, yes. No! What I mean to say is.. -Yes, Severus? - Ah! Forget it!" And then Snape throws the flowers on the floor and hurries away before the old man can add anything else!   73. Ask him if he knows who Alan Rickman is. "Snape: Alan who? - Alan Rickman! He must be part of your family, you look so much like him! - I'm sure I look nothing like this..this Alan-whatyoumacallit! Anyway, coming from you, I'm sure this is an insult, so I'd rather never meet the man!"   74. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him. "Snape is getting nervous: Is it me or is she winking each time our eyes cross? No, that can't be a coincidence. She's really winking at me!! But why? Do I have something on my face? Does she know something I should? Is she a Death Eater? Does she have a crush on me? God forbid it! Oh!! This is driving me crazy! Just ignore her! I don't want her to know it's affecting me!"  75. When he next deducts points from you, (and he will) threaten to drop him from 32 stores. "Snape out loud: You little overgrown baby! Stop acting like a kid and start acting like your age! You deserve what's coming at you, period!"   76. Call him Severus. "Snape out loud: If I'm not mistaken I'm still your teacher and you're still my student. And even when that won't be the case anymore, there is no way that I'll ever allow you to refer to me on a first-name basis. 20 points from your House!   77. If you're brave, call him Sev. -Then can I call you, Sev? -50 points!  78. If you're really brave, call him 'Sevvie-kins'. "-Ok then, Sevvie-kins maybe? -75 points!   79. If you're suicidal, call him 'precious-little-Sevvie-kins' "Why won't you let me call you that my precious-little Sevvie-kins? - That's it! 100 points PLUS a week's worth of the most horrible detention I can think of! Now, my precious-little-twit, do you feel I'm giving you enough attention or are you still lacking some? Because if you are still lacking attention like Dumbledore suggested before I'll make sure Filch and all the Slytherins are on the case. Capiche?   80. When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off. "Snape in his cool silky voice: Miss, do you really want to know exactly how "delicious" these ingredients are? I'll be happy to assist you in this gustatory quest of yours! Oh yes! With any luck, you'll want to start with those poisoned snake fangs and then maybe we'll have some peace in this class for once!  81. Ask him about his private life and personal hygiene. "Snape out loud: Believe me, you don't want to know!" Thinking: "I hope that scared her off for good! Well, usually it works, but this girl keeps coming back for more! I should talk Mme Pomphrey about that. Maybe she's mental! Oh I just wish she is. I'll be there the day they send her to St. Mungo's fool department!"  82. Present him with a pet baby bunny rabbit every few weeks. Tell him each one is called Minerva. "Snape: How am I supposed to get rid of these? They're so innocent I'd really feel bad eating them! And they're named Minerva as well! Argh! Why can't I NOT feel guilty about this! Oh well, let's get back to the pet shop..."  83. Form a cheerleading squad. Make up a dance and chant for him. Follow him around. "Snape : Ok, let's recapitulate: I've made my angry eyes, my killing eyes, I screamed at them, I threatened them, I put them under detention, and I've even tried my threats about poisoning one of them but nothing worked. Therefore, the only sensible thing to do is to ignore them. Eventually, let's hope before I'm fit for St-Mungo myself, they will stop!"  84. Send him Valentines in February. "Snape receiving his valentines: Oh, no! Not false Valentines again! I hate it when they do that! Damn that blasted holiday! I never received a true valentine in my life! Why do they keep trying to get at me? Even if I ever received a real one, I would never know because I never dare to eat the chocolates in case they are poisoned or open the cards in case they explode!" And he spent the rest of the day brooding alone or being insipid to the students! _(Lady Claudia: Are you happy now, you made our dear Snape sad!)_  85. Send him Valentines in August. "Snape: Well, that's a first! I never thought I would ever be surprised by a valentine anymore! But, wait a minute... kids have not come back to Hogwarts yet! So who could.. ahhaaaaaaah! Snape shouted and dropped the valentines (cards and chocolates) as if they were venomous. "They must be from Sybil! Oh!! I need a shower!"   86. To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in these Valentines that they are from a certain blonde Slytherin. "Snape, after taking a shower and getting back to his senses: "What's this? A note on the floor" Picking it up and reading. "What?! From a blonde Slytherin? What's the meaning of this? Who could..." Snape stopped in mid-sentence and shouted: "Draco?" After another shower, Snape got back to his normal self: "No, no, no, no, no! That can't be Draco! He's not gay for sure with all the girls he's been going out with and with all the times I had to bring him back to his own bed after curfew. So who could it be?..." With a stern look Snape said THE word: Potter! He hates Draco and I to that point for sure! (_Lady Claudia: Poor Potter! Now you've gone and done it! Snape will get at him on your account! Are you happy?! Just joking!)_  87. Offer him sweets. Every chance you get. Insist that he try the green ones. "Snape tbinking: Someone's offering me a sweet! This has to be a prank, I will not believe it is not so... I've been dumb one time and ended up in the infirmary, thanks to James Potter and his Marauders!" Out loud: "No thank you. Just seeing you smile like that reminds me of the terrible consequences sweets can do to your teeth. I'd rather keep mine as perfect as they are and not look like an old hag".   88. Set his robes on fire.  "-You're on fire, Sir! -Oh really! says he in an unimpressed tone. "I cannot fathom how you managed to remain at Hogwarts for so long when you can't even remember you already used this prank with me! I'm not going to make a fool of myself again by looking at.. -But Sir I swear - Don't interrupt me you insolent!" he shouts. "I can't believe you're that desperate to get my attention or I should rather say my detentions. And.. -Oh my God, Severus! You're on fire! says Minerva. -What!! Snape looks angrier than ever and since he can't really accuse you of doing it because you tried to warn him, well, he's even more angry. So he puts out the fire, swirls around and vanishes from everybody's sight for the rest of the day. Brooding! Minerva: "What's the matter with him? He did not even thank his student! Will he ever learn to be civil once in a while?!"  89. Set your own robes on fire. Insist that he save you. "-Oh my! Help me, professor Snape! My robes are on fire! -What's this noise? Then, Snape realises you are indeed on fire but that the situation is not so urgent. -Save me, professor Snape!! I'm afraid!" you tell him with supplicating and panicked eyes. Snape is says quite sadly: "Oh well, if I must!" And with a reluctant smile he saves you. -Oh thank you so much, professor!! I thought I was going to die! Thank you!" And then, jump in his arms in an excess of joy. Now THAT will really get on his nerves!!  90. Doodle things on your left arm during his lessons "Snape out loud: Miss, I had the impression that this was a Potions class, not a contest for the worst drawings ever. Go get yourself clean and come back as soon as possible. We'll test your antidote on you. That might remind you to be more attentive next time!"  91. Follow him around singing cheerful Beatles songs until you can sing no more. "Snape, quite desperate by now of course, passes his hand on the length of his face in a gesture of hopelessness. "Oh God! First the cheerleaders and now this! I've tried everything! And Albus won't allow me to cast a silencing spell on a student!" Sigh! "Well, at least she's not singing some Sesame Street songs!" Big shrug. "OH! said Snape in a repulsed voice, "That trick from the Weasley twins sure was the worst thing they had come up with! I guess I should just sit back and enjoy the show! Oh! And when she has no voice anymore, I'll make up a surprise oral presentation for her worth 10 of her final mark!! Oh yes! Mmmaahhahahaaha!!" Snape was laughing evilly! "What's happening to me? I sound like Voldemort himself! Time to get some rest!"   92. Find out when his birthday is. Throw a surprise party. Shower him with gold ribbons and pink balloons. "Snape barely muttering to Dumbledore between his teeth and with a murderous look: "Dumbledore, old man, I never thought you could go lower in my esteem in you towards your taste for throwing out unwanted and useless parties, but I guess you've just outdone yourself this time! Just wait until this is all finished, I'll outdo myself in revenge for sure! -Oh but Severus, that wasn't my idea! That was your wonderful student! The little miss there! She's so charming isn't she? I've heard she's done a lot of things for you this year. I'm glad to see a student finally recognising your worth! -I am thrilled, really" said Snape while drinking a full glass of scotch. "Let's just hope I'll survive her ... attentions! "   93. Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears, crying 'Here he is Sir! I've got him!' "Snape out loud: Thank you for your consideration, but really I can do that on my own! Therefore I would be much more grateful if you'd just leave me in peace!" In his thoughts: "OH, the lucky girl! If only I was allowed to grab him by the ears!!"   94. Transfigure all the buttons down his front into large, pink flowers. "Snape out loud after immediately untransfiguring his buttons back to normal: "Alright students. 20 points to the one who tells me who did this!" (Of course, a Slytherin frames you!) "Very well, Miss! Since you like flowers so much, why don't I use the same potion you tried on me once. You know, the one that makes flowers grow out of your hair! You see, and I'm sure you'll find this as fascinating as I do, I have improved the said potion so that it grows Devil's Snares instead of cute little flowers! Come along now, I don't have all day and... for the sake of your friends, keep out of reach for the next 24 hours! The plant might bite!"   95. Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts. "Snape, when first seeing your essay: "Argh! What's this horrible thing? An essay written on love-heart paper? !?" he says in a disgusted tone. "And what's that awful smell?" he says while covering his nose with his pocket tissue. "Who did ...Of course, HER! Well this essay will be easy to mark: 0!"   96. When he turns his back, imitate anything he just said in a high, squeaky voice. "Snape out loud: I beg your pardon? What did you say? -(In a high and squeaky voice) I beg your pardon? What did you say? -I'll get you for this you impudent little twit! -(In a high and squeaky voice) I'll get you for this you impudent little twit! -HOW DARE YOU show me so little respect you worthless parrot? ... Go on and on until he quits and runs away from you OR before you get expelled!"  97. Introduce him to your friends Rickmaniac, Gumlick and Meg...watch the fun that ensues. Snape: "Who the hell are these people? No, no! Don't say it. After better consideration, I'd rather not know."  98. Procure some ferret-droppings. Leave a large pile of them in his desk. Insist that Draco Malfoy did it. Snape out loud: Indeed! (laughing inwardly of the time Draco finally got his just reward from Mad Eye Moody) "You know, it's a real chance to have you around in this school! Who else would pick these up otherwise? -But I don't have anything to pick them up with, Sir. -Snape just smiled in answer. You know what that means!!   99. Show up drunk. Snape's quarters at night. You are totally drunk with a bottle of unfinished whiskey in your hand. You knock on his door and he comes to open it. With your best voice (I mean the best articulation you can have due to the circumstances!) you smile at him and say: "Goodnight professor! I was just going around the Dungeons when I thought to drop in! No really, it's depressing to drink alone, and since you look like the kind of man that needs to drink often to forget how lonely you are, I came here right away! -What are you mumbling about?" Sniff, sniff. "Good Lord, you're really drunk!! -Hey, don't shout like that, I left you some after all! -What am I going to do with you? -Whatever you want, darling!" you say while making him goo goo eyes! "-By all that's Holy, you're not only drunk: you've been drugged for sure!! Come in, I'll get you an antidote for whatever you have. But DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! -Alright, Snapie, dearest! For you, anything! -Fast, fast, fast! Where is that dam& antidote?!"   100. Giggle constantly. Give no reason. Continue until he kicks you out of the dungeons. Snape: Miss, what is so hilarious that you cannot repress your silly headless girl giggles? Silence -I'm warning you, if you don't stop, I'll test Longbottom's potion on you! Silence - Very well, Longbottom, make sure you do everything properly. This way, she's sure to be poisoned and then we may finally have some peace around here." You keep giggling. -Miss, stop or I'll kick you out so fast that every golden snitch in the world will envy you! Still nothing, still giggling. Snape grabs you by the arm and shuts the door in your face. Maybe that's about time you stop!   101. Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it  Snape: And I once believed being a Death Eater was the worst thing that ever happened to me! Now the whole school is giggling after me, the teachers eye me as if I were some pedophile, that girl follows me everywhere I go and I've lost all sense of fear in my students due to her calling me Sevvie! Great! That's just great! Voldemort, here I come!"


End file.
